I've had just over three days to process. On Wednesday at around noon we were given the worst news of. My. Life.
All the while, her heart is still beating. She is still moving. She is still very much alive.
I think people expect me to be upset and angry and sad. And while I can, and have, and will again at times be, I've learned with a steep curve, that to remain in my own strength is exhausting, taxing, and harmful. I can sit and think of all the scenarios and possibilities that could play out over the course of the next few days, weeks, months, but then I am again tormented by facts and statistics, instead of comforted by Peace and Eternal Assurance. I have been told, and practiced renewing my mind with the washing of the word before- but never have I physically needed it as much as I do now. I used to be able to get a verse or devotional read in the morning, and slowly chew through it all day long. I find my mind and soul much more liken to a wood chipper now. Buzzing through the bits and fragments of promises in mere seconds, with motor and gears still churning, and looking for more to consume. And I can feed it with thoughts of my own, like steel bars that jam and breakdown the grinding process, or I can fill it with rich, dry, oak- giving it more of what is needed to produce something of value.
What's the value of wood chips? Well, I guess I could start a garden. But I usually kill plants. Thankfully it's only a metaphor, and God is the gardener.
I don't have oodles of time to "loose it" and I don't want that time. With four other small kids, I am constantly bombarded by the needs of others, and It keeps me going. I continue to surround myself with friends and people who love me and love God. I can't and won't allow people with carnal, stinking thinking to surround and flood my mind with anything other than wholesome.
Acts 17:24-30 sums up what I'm holding onto for today- at least this morning.
And when I tell people, saved or not, they tend to glorify the parts about God being near and with me.
And I'm not diminishing that reality. In the last three days, I've known nothing else. He is near to the broken and hurting and He has carried me when I could not carry myself. He carried me out of the doctor's office that day. And he's carried me to sleep and to faith rising.
But there's so much more promise to read.
People keep praying and saying that " if it's Gods will" - then He can heal my baby.
I'm not a hyper-optimist. In fact, if you know me, I am quite the critical cynic.
But I know that I know that it's not Gods plan, will, want, or desire for anyone- including an innocent baby- to die. Even the world can quote John 3:16.....that NONE should perish.
People keep saying "sorry for your loss" or "during this time of loss".
But we haven't yet lost.
And we don't plan on loosing.
Last week, before everything "changed", and life was " as usual", we sat down to play a board game with the older girls. Each turn, the playing pieces crept closer and closer to the finish line. Some closer than others. The game came to an end, and McKenna and I had lost, while Paco and Teaghan won. McKenna and I didn't plan on loosing. We answered every question, performed every request, made our best educated guess when we didn't know for sure. And when Paco and Teaghan's game piece came closer to the end than ours, and loss seemed inevitable, we didn't quit playing, we didn't quit trying, we didn't stop hoping we could pull of a win- even when the odds were not so "ever in our favor".
Why would I do that in a silly, trivial, meaningless board game- but not in the case of a life?
While it certainly isn't a game- I am staring death in the face, as we each make our move. And the pieces may move closer and closer to the end, and at times we may be closer to loosing than ever before. In fact, we may lose. It's part of the deal. We all will lose our lives one day- and no one can do anything about it.
But we will continue to fight for a win. We will continue to answer the best we can. We will perform what is asked and make our best educated guesses when we aren't sure, with education and prayer.
But we will not forfeit in the midst of adversity.
You can think we are crazy, but if nothing else, our family will strengthen our faith through this.
Our kids each morning are laying hands on my belly and praying for God to heal their new baby girl. It's hard to doubt the faith of a 4 and 5 year old when they say things like "God you healed me when I had a boo boo before, so you can heal our baby and her boo boo and let her live with us".
We are believing that God will astound the medical professionals with results that "don't happen". Not so we can live longer with our baby, but so that God can get the glory.
The Bible is full of stories where God does the miraculous, and
He raised a girl from the dead. He made the blind to see. And the lame to walk. He parted seas and dried up others. He made water spring up out of desserts. He made fire appear in the sky. He turned water to blood and wine and back again. He spoke through donkeys and bushes and wrote on the wall for people to take notice. He cleansed you and I from our sin- which is such a bigger miracle than something physical. Why should I live this out any differently?
I keep hearing in my spirit and standing on the truth that says when men see the outcome- they will know He is God.
All the stories we see where God does the miraculous, are followed by people- be it one or nations- who say "surely your God is the God of Heaven." "Your God is the real deal." And people turn and believe.
Start telling our story to the people who don't know Jesus. Start telling your relatives who say He isn't real. Start telling your co-workers and your boss and your employees the odds stacked against us and how crazy we are to think something can come from nothing.
But then you tell them about how we are standing on NOTHING but the word. Nothing but the Cross. Nothing but the truth of who GOD is- not a doctor or ourselves but the miraculous, working, manifesting, power of the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. The God who delivered the Israelites from bondage and the wilderness. The God who sent His son to die for all of us. The God who lives inside of us as believers-Will be the God who miraculously heals my baby.
Call me crazy. Say it can't be done. I don't care. The world will enamor me with the odds. And the doctors will continue to report the negative. And the enemy will scream the lie into my ears in the silence of the day to day.
But I'm believing. And even if it means I'm going alone- I'm going.
We can sing the songs and shout the words and "Amen" to the preaching about who God is- but when the time comes to stand and believe and to walk out what we profess with our mouths, people start to get "realistic" and people get "reasonable".
Do you not think that I don't know what the odds are? I've googled anencephaly more times in the last 72 hours than most people have taken in air. I know what's stacked against me. I can see the scale toppling in the direction that is not in my favor.
But I can see the light that is coming for the heart that holds on. I see that our God is greater, and stronger, and higher than any other. That He is healer, awesome in power, and for us. I see that He is doing a new thing- at least in me- and I hope you can too.
I'm believing the report of The Lord. I'm believing that He is the conqueror over sin and DEATH. That He who made dry, old, dessert bones to rise up and grow muscle and tissue and flesh and skin- and made an army- and can do it again. The God that formed dust into man can make a skull and brain for my baby. And I won't say it's over- until God says it's over.
Today my baby is alive. Today, she is moving and living and having a being. Today she is safe. And warm. And she will be until God moves her from my care- to His.
Please pray. Pray that on Tuesday morning at 10:00am, the level 2 scan, is abruptly stopped because they find nothing. Pray that the tech calls the doctor in, and all the other doctors, and specialists and neurosurgeons into the room to see the miracle. To try and explain the miracle. And then pray that when I say that "it's because my God healed her" and because of the prayers of so many people like you- that they all bow their hearts to the revelation of the gospel. Pray that at every step, every test, every meeting, every result would be progressive and towards the glory of God.
Let your faith rise. Because mine is soaring. And we only need that of a mustard seed.