8/21/2014 2 Comments Thu, Aug 21, 2014I recently read a post on spankings. No, actually, the author penned it as "hitting" your child. In our society and modern era, it's a controversial subject like vaccinations and public-vs.-homeschool education....and more recently breast feeding. Which I won't get into today, because this post will be quite lengthy on the subject of disciple alone, and I have just barely started. I just wanted to clarify for all of you who probably oppose the idea, and give some evidence of support to those in favor of it, since swirling around us are "studies" and "research" against the topic. I wanted to give clarity, and realignment to the subject, because it's gotten so twisted and skewed that the truth is being lost amidst skeptisism and controversy. Not all spankings are hitting. But some hitting is spanking. There are those who out of anger, aggression, bad choices, rage, malice, frustration, and lack of self-control will hit their children. Hitting hard, abusively, and wrongly. This behavior, I do not, nor will I ever condone. The same people punish infants, small babies, children learning about life and love- who need reassurance more than discipline, because they simply do not know. What I am in support of, is inflicting natural consequence when behavior does not align with the moral standards of the Bible. Before I get into the biblical mandate that governs me as a parent, I thought I would post some "scientific" and "educational" support first, for those of you who may not agree with me on the infalable truth of the Bible. Mr. Theodore Kettle puts it like this: "Two recent analyses – one psychological, the other legal – may debunk lenient modern parenting the way the Climategate e-mail scandal has short circuited global warming alarmism. © 2014 Newsmax. " You can read the full article here. Another article keyed by Mr. Selena Duke, describes the parents who appose spanking, like this: "That is to say, to such parents, discipline is often a dirty word. They tend to be overly permissive, set poor examples, be inconsistent in moral guidance and not teach responsibility. They are unlikely to view themselves as absolute authority figures but, rather, will treat the family as a democracy (without a constitution). They are more apt to want to be buddies than parents to their children. Common sense tells us some other things as well. For one thing, we often hear that corporal punishment is damaging because it “teaches violence,” a nonsensical assertion if ever there were one...." He continues. "Of course, in reality, as even cursory observation of babies and toddlers informs, it’s more like the Attila the Hun gene. When they have tantrums, they will often lash out, hitting, biting, and pulling hair. Hey, they will cry and scream without that behavior being modeled for them, either. Despite this, some would have us believe that parents can control these often violent, disagreeable little creatures without occasional recourse to physical action themselves. These experts tell us that if you have to resort to such a tactic, there is something wrong with your parenting ability. This is an interesting theory. If it is valid, we can save ourselves a heck of a lot of money. Why not just eliminate our military, for instance? If man can ever and always be reasoned with, there is no need for an entity whose purpose is, in part, to violently impose our will (rightly or wrongly) on others. Then, if a man breaks the law and resists arrest, won’t the police use violent action to take him into custody? Why should this be allowed? Can’t they just talk to him, reason, and cajole him into compliance? Maybe he just needs to know he’s being listened to." Again, feel free to read the post in its entirety, here. So now that we can see the fallacy of "science" in regards to apposing discipline in the form of spankings, let's talk about why it is necessary and also biblical. The bible tells us that even God, disciplines those He loves. If I, as a parent, truly love my children, in an unconditional way, in an attempt to be like Jesus, then I too must discipline my children. How can this be a rational thought you might ask? Because usually the argument that the child has "rights" as a human being, comes into play here. And to that I would argue, That we do it with other things. I don't know about you, but my kids usually oppose all the things that are good for them. Things like car seat straps, and brushing their teeth, practicing spelling words, eating spinach, and wearing pants into target. But I make my children do these things out of the love that I have for them. A really really good nugget of wisdom came to me when I was in the 8th grade, in one of my favorite classes with one of my favorite teachers of all time: Mrs. smiley's language arts. She said "your rights end where mine begin". And she was right. Your child, my child, all children, have rights. But they end when they interfere with mine, yours, or anyone else's. I cannot say that I love my children, and yet don't force them to eat nothing but cake and candy throughout the day. Why? Because as adults we know the natural consequence of eating junk all day long. I cannot say that I love my children, and allow them to remain free in the car without safety harnesses, even though it seems to them that there is no apparent danger. Because you and I as adults, know the natural consequence of not wearing seatbelts while driving. It's not that I don't love my children, which leads me to spankings. It's that I love them so very much, that I will not allow them to grow up without them. There are things in life that do not have natural consequences, that can be seen or felt immediately. They take years and years to build up a consequence. One that is too great and too unfathomable for me to let my children bear. Things like disrespect for others. Things like raging anger when their way is not chosen or allowed. Things like sharing and kindness with others. The result isn't immediate, it's delayed. But as children they cannot, as they have not lived long enough, know that the result of each of those things is terribly awful. I do not want my children to ask me one day, why I allowed them to disrespect all authority, and now at 27, they cannot find a job, because they cannot respect a boss and his/her decisions and authority in their life. I do not want my children to call me from prison with questions about why I let them rage and be angry as children, and Now as adults they do not not understand controlling their emotions, and have landed in arrest for battery and domestic violence. I do not want my children to ask me, why I let them continue in being unkind, and not sharing, which leads to loneliness of the most heart wrenching form, because other people do not want friends with people of that nature. It's a hard reality, but it's true. So as the parent, who is older and wiser, I will provide a natural consequence for each of those seemingly innocent and childish behaviors, to keep my children from a larger more drastic one later. I love them too much to see them as lonely, imprisoned, disrespectful adults. Because we've all met an adult with such habits. And let's be honest: it's no fun being in line at the grocery store with them. Or working with them. Or sitting by them on an airplane. Or having to function with them in society. And thankfully there are enough of us who were given guidance as children, to manage living in a world with said people, on a daily basis, without total societal chaos. As Paul wrote, I put away childish things...because as children, yes, we have those tendencies. There's no need to teach a child to rebel, to disrespect, to hate, to sin. It's already in there. But as a mother, a parent, a Christian, it is my duty to train my children, to love God and hate sin. And the minimal pain of a spanking, is a natural reminder to abstain from such behavior, until they are old enough, and wise enough, to see the actual, and much much much more painful natural consequence that is loneliness, joblessness, or worse. Does it work? Heck yes. There are times it seems like it doesn't. Times when I question, "is this effective?" But when I'm in the store and my kids aren't throwing a fit like the kid in the isle over, I am thankful. When my kids aren't the ones who refuse to eat their lunch at a play date, I am thankful. When they are not the ones screaming at, hitting one, pulling my hair at the birthday party, I am so very thankful. And the occasions happen, when we choose to dine at a public restaraunt, or go to the library, or the park, or sit in church, when other people, particularly the elderly, publically commend and acknowledge my children for behaving so well. And in those moments, as a parent, a mom, a Christian, I am ever. So. Thankful. There is, as I started, a differerence in hitting and spanking. We (meaning my husband and I) don't spank our kids until their first birthday. (I know I know- happy birthday, now here's a spanking!) But seriously. A 6 month old, doesn't know the difference between right and wrong. And their tiny minds can't understand why or what's happening. Please please please, don't hit your babies. They are small only once, and in those few short months, they need to feel the warmth of your hugs, the safety in your embrace, the touch of kindness to know you love them beyond what they do or don't do. When we do introduce spankings, we do it with purpose. We don't just start whooping people at every chance we get. We start by telling them "no". If my 13 month old is playing with an outlet, I will say "no" very firmly, remove their hands from the surface, smack the outlet, and again say "NO!" Then hold their hand and walk them away to something that is permissible. But if the child returns, am I to let them play with it again, because they are "entitled" to their rights? No. Absolutely- please- do not allow this in your home. It is abuse to let them continue, and allow them to be electrocuted. I will however, spank their padded, diapered, bottom. The place on their natural bodies with the most cushioned flesh possible, as to not inflict harm, but minor pain. Pain enough to remind them not to do It again, so that it results in a more tragic, more painful, more permanent end. The immediate respone of a small Child, is to open their arms, and be held. Because for the past 12 months, I've shown them that my arms are the safe and comforting place. And they return to this place, no matter how far they've strayed in disobedience. It's a tiny toddlers' way of saying "I'm sorry, please forgive me" even when their minds cannot compute the words. With my girls, this was usually the end of the trial/error on their part. They got the message of "no" loud and clear. With my son, it's been more of a challenge. Because he is more determined, more tough, more willing to "accept a challenge", because that's what men do. But I can attest, in the darkest of moments, in the most trying of times, Wesley has shown hope of learning to obey, in the last two weeks. It's taken Long hours, hard decisions, and lots and lots of spankings. But he's getting it. He can show you how to be "gentle", "quiet", and "easy". Three words that are far from a small boys' mind. But the payoff comes in the form of sweetness at home, gentleness with other children, and quietness in public places. And it is so so sweet. And I'm not referring to childish sweet. I mean the kind that is baller and awesome as an adult. Trust me, because I have a nearly 5 year old. (In about 7 days to be exact!) that nearly all...probably 80% of the hard, awful, discipline training is through. She understands right from wrong, and the times we need to actually spank her, have dwindled to sparce. Why? Because we were consistent with what mom or dad says, goes. And it has been engrained into her. And now, when we ask of her, she replies " yes mom" or "yes dad". Don't misunderstand, she still has her moments. She is still a child after all. And she is still in a world where the enemy is warring for her gaze, her attention, her life. But I am also in this war- not only defending myself, but training her to one day fend the evil off, on her own. Interestingly enough, the argument of most Christian families, who appose strict discipline, is that of "friendship". They want their children to "like them" or to "be close" and to have a "bond" that can "be ruined by discipline, saying no, or restriction". But the truth is, that learning to love through the hardships, is what makes for lasting friendship beyond childhood. I can attest to this. I am living proof. My parents disciplined and spanked both my brother and I, as children. And as an adolescent, I thought my parents were the worst, knew nothing, and were meaner than they should've been. But now, as an adult, I see why they did and said and spanked as they did. And I am grateful. I am full of gratitude for their attitude adjustments, because as an adult I can see the opposite of both sides, and know that they were right all along. My parents and I have never been closer. We can joke and play, be serious and tell secrets. Because they showed us What true love looks like. The kind that reprimands when danger or destruction is inevitable. And I will never be able to repay them, except with living the example they showed to me. As I am a firm believer in spanking, I want to balance that with the statement that I am a firm believer in affirmation too. Be it physically, with hugs, kisses, tickle fights, holding hands. Or be it verbal, with encouragement, letters to say "well done", saying " I love you", and praise. The thought of not coupling discipline with affirmation is an idea that needs discipline itself. You cannot love, through pain, unless you also love through pleasure. It's a vital truth in all things: marriage, friendship, parenting, dreams. And to have one without the other constitutes unbalance in all things. So I leave you with this: Finally, {parents}, whatever is TRUE, whatever is HONORABLE, whatever is JUST, whatever is PURE, whatever is LOVELY, whatever is COMMENDABLE, if there is any EXCELLENCE, if there is anything WORTHT OF PRAISE, think about these things. Force your children into truth. Force your children into honor. Force your children into what is just. Force your children into Purity. Force your children into Loveliness. Force your children into Actions that are commendable. Force your children into Excellence. With discipline. Be it spankings, time outs, restrictions, loss of priveledges, or a combination of the above. But- And it's a BIG BUT. Force YOURSELVES, into giving praise where it is worthy.
2 Comments
Sonya Bernhardt
8/21/2014 03:16:01 am
This is a awesome blog. Thank you!
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Bri Curzio
8/21/2014 03:31:07 am
Thank you! And thanks for reading!!
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AuthorBri is the mom to four little people, the wife to a gentle giant, and a lover of Jesus. She's figuring out the best ways to parent by trial and error, and sharing her struggles, successes, and stories with you! Archives
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