It's nearly Christmas and that means everyone is getting everyone else gifts.
Today, I got one of the gifts I am most thankful for, and probably one I'll cherish most for 2015.
My mom had a dream just a few weeks after finding out our last daughter had Anencephaly, that the baby was healed. In the dream, she couldn't help but notice, the full head of dark black hair on the baby.
If you know our kids, and the mix of genetic traits they possess, you know that none of them have come remotely close to being black-haired or anything but bald at birth.
I remember thinking how far-fetched the dream seemed, with black and full hair as the baby's head covering. But I clung to Hope that day, and for weeks after, praying that if any part of the dream came true, it would be that she was healed and a head full and beautiful- no matter the color of hair.
Fast foreword to the day I delivered Esther. I remember my body literally being exhausted, and whether a subconscious fear overtook me, or a maternal "holding on", my body quit contracting. There on the delivery bed, nurses did all they could to try and allow me the room and time to deliver my baby on my own.
I was tired. Wiped, actually. And fearful of what the next moments would hold as she left my body, and would have to survive on her own- if at all.
And as I felt every ounce of strength leave, my midwife told me to keep pushing, to keep going.
"She has tons of black hair, Bri! Keep going, I can see it!" She said.
I started to sob, and felt God replenish my strength in that moment.
Whether perfectly whole or not- all the unknowns didn't matter. He had revealed a secret to us months before, that would give me the strength to push through those last few grueling moments of delivery.
No, Esther did not receive "earthly" healing. But she was made complete shortly after her birth as she made her grand entrance into glory! And one day, I'll get to see her beautiful, full, black haired head- complete and new as it was in the dream.
Last night, was another one of the grueling types of days. I laid on my bed, with tears flowing down my cheeks, thinking that in less than 12 hours, I'd be staring another doctor in the eyes, having to re-live the tragedy of death through explanation. It also meant going through all the old and familiar routines of obstetric care, that once before seemed pointless. But now, having experienced what I have, they hold hope and or defeat in each exam, test, and scan.
Panic set in as the clock continued to tick towards midnight.
My awesome husband, praying for me to have peace like only grieving parents can know.
It's funny how the enemy drains strength from you. As I wrote in my book, he is cunningly good at stealing hope and perspective from anyone- by sawing the bottom off of the eternal perspective "bucket" in life. And all over again, I found my bucket being hacked into.
Today, as I explained my deepest fears and concerns to strangers who call themselves midwives, some of the same strength-draining feelings filled me. The moment they went to find the heartbeat, I panicked, as it took longer than a second to "find".
Then, like a rushing wind, and with the sound of a tiny baby's heart beating in the background, God did it all over again. He filled me with unexplainable strength.
I wept on the table of the exam room. The doctor probably thought I was crazy. And if you know me well, you know that is crazy. I'm not sentimental. I'm not super emotional. But I was extremely emotional in that moment.
Partly, yes, because I got to be assured of the baby that's growing inside of me. But more so, because God is good. Because He always gives gifts to His kids. And is super perfect in how he delivers strength and when he delivers it.
I could feel the familiar embrace of a God who comforts His people, as I laid there, and I was weeping over His goodness poured out on me- in of all places- a doctor's office.
The midwife couldn't understand. So I didn't bother even beginning to tell her.
But I wanted to tell all of you who have faithfully prayed for and supported us over the journey of loss and love this past year.
God is good. And I'm looking foreword to more than Christmas- but an entire year in 2016 of miraculous gifts from Above!
Happiest Christmas to you and yours!
💕 The Curzio's (all 7 of us!)
To listen to the good & perfect gift: http://youtu.be/lxGqoebtx0U