You know the feeling you got when you graduated high school? Or you closed on your home? Or your plane began to descend after a long long flight?
The feeling of "this is it, it's finally the end". Where emotions run high because you've waited so very long, and anticipated all the moment would have, and yet, you're given one last opportunity to look back and think, if I did it all again, would I choose differently now?
That's where I am.
The next time I write a blog post, I'll be holding a sweet baby girl in my hands. And I don't know if things will have turned out the way I'm hoping and praying, like so many of you. But I can see the end.
At our church we've been talking through a series the last few weeks called "Getting through what you're going through". Coincidently, or rather God anonymously, it's been so great to be reminded of Truth in these final weeks of being pregnant.
There's a giant "tunnel" prop on the stage, and each week our Pastor talks about being in this dark tunnel, and looking for the light at the end. And while so many people struggle to find their way amidst the dark, cold, pathway of despair- I'm nearing the end.
The tunnel is running out. And the end is wide open.
The terrifying part is that I can't see what around the corner of that end. No one can. Not her on this earth anyway. No doctor or nurse. No specialist or neonatologist. No pastor or counselor. No friends or family member. Not even me, the mom carrying the weight -literally- of this baby girl.
But God can. He can see so clearly what lies beyond. And I'm holding onto the hope that He will be with me ask turn that corner and face my greatest fears and deepest longings as a mom.
I may not know the way, but I know the one who makes the way straight.
I want to take a minute to thank all of you who have stood with us. Who've prayed and fasted and agreed with our prayer of faith for Esther Jubilee. For those of you who've been given visions of her arrival, her childhood, her life purpose being fulfilled. For this of you who've lost sleep over dreams and callings to pray and press-in harder. I cannot convey my thanks to you enough. And some of you I don't even know.
I've gotten emails, and texts, and comments on my blog, from people whom I've never met, telling me about how Esther Jubilee has increased their faith. How her story has inspired them.
I've read testimonies of how God is working in people and doing miraculous things in other people all because of this little girl who hasn't even yet shown her sweet face.
One lady emailed me to say she was praying life and healing verses for a friend with stage four, terminal cancer. Just weeks later he was given a much better, treatable diagnosis and will survive with minor treatment.
God is up to something, and even if that something no longer includes me, He is still working and moving.
A few of my closest girl-friends and I have been doing a casual study on the book of Esther in the Bible. (Fitting right?)
One of the main points is that the name of God isn't written anywhere in that book. It's a setting and time work of where pagan practices had nearly wiped out the culture and traditions of God's people, and He wasn't even mentioned through the course of the whole story.
But you're a fool if you can't read the story in its entirety, and not see God's name written all over it.
That's what's happening here. Whether it looks like God has His name or not, plastered over the finality of this story, He is the author and finisher of it.
The other day, I was reading about David. This scrawny kid who sat amongst sheep. He's the youngest of a lot of brothers, and in sure that meant he was "least important" and probably picked on a whole lot.
But he is able to defeat the most staggering and terrifying giant of their day: Goliath.
I find it interesting that he mentioned the "lion and the bear" to King Saul. He could've said that he's "really good with a sling shot". Or that "nothing compares to the torture my brothers put me through". Or "I was anointed as king, and one day will take your throne over, so watch out". He uses past experiences to remind those around him that nothing is impossible for his God. My God.
We could all whine about the lion that comes to devour our "sheep". He's big and scary and muscular. He roars loud and it's terrifying.
Or the bear, that could claw you down and torture you. The one that can walk on all fours, or stand on two hind legs to prove its ginormous size is much greater than you're wimpy "younger brother" self.
But those very obstacles were the preparation for the great victory that would come later for David.
I don't know if Esther Jubilee is my preparation, or my great victory. But I know somehow it will bring me hope knowing that ultimately the enemy will be defeated.
I think back to when Paco and I walked through the valley of sin, and thought we could never recover. How McKenna was just a result of bad timing and bad decisions.
But God showed His faithfulness then, and daily reminds me with her as my gift, that in place of death for my disobedience, He traded life- and a sweet girl for me.
And I can't help it but call it to remembrance- that He is the same yesterday, today and forever, and will do it again. That in place of death and defeat where it seems as though none can recover- HE will bring about LIFE and trade death for a sweet baby girl....just. For. Me.
So thank you.
Thank you for praying.
Thank you for petitioning Him, on our behalf.
But don't stop. Not even once she's here.
Because I never want to be found satisfied with my "level" of Jesus, be it because of a miraculous wonder or not.
Even if all things turn out completely perfect and I bring my baby girl home without a trace of anencephaly, I want to be found still seeking, and still pressing, and still bargaining for more. Because He's worth more to me, than anything. Including my baby girl.
Some of you have asked specifically to be informed when she's coming, so you can pray for us. While it won't be me who texts you- simply because I'll be in labor- you will get a text!
We will definitely keep everyone updated and informed also. This is as much your victory as it is our own. And ultimately- it's His.
But until then, press in for more. Because it's not over, until He says it's over!