Today is a special day. It's a bookend of sorts, that caps off God's faithfulness story. That doesn't mean His faithfulness ends by any means, but it proves His faithfulness in a way that's hard to believe.
In August of 2013, I was devastated. Or so I thought. My husband had been let go from yet, another job, a seemingly endless struggle at the time; our house which we had purchased just months before, was nearly being foreclosed on because of the job situation, and Paco's insurance had now expired, which meant his planned and scheduled vasectomy would be postponed. At the time I was also taking birth control, but in July, just a few weeks prior, my last booster pack had run out.
I sat in the bathroom waiting for the little pink hash mark to appear, hoping to goodness it wouldn't read "pregnant". All the emotions from Mckenna's pregnancy filled my heart again, except the shame had been replaced with over-bearing responsibility and exhaustion. I was tired. As a mom, as a wife, as a legal guardian. And I didn't have the energy to do this again. Not to mention all the things that go along with it, like being sick for months, the doctor offices (and bills for that matter), the strain on my body, the interrupted sleep.
I cried, saying "Please God. Please. I don't want to be pregnant. I really really can't handle another baby. "
The minutes passed, and the bright pink indicator was clearer than a headline story on the evening National news.
Sobs now. "God what are you doing? You know I can't do this. You know we don't need this. There are people who try and try for a baby and never get one, and I have more than I know what to do with, and don't want another."
Little much afraid: me.
Fast forward, to today, and I will tell you, God is so so good. Even when you think it's hard or wrong or not so good, He knows better. And He knew better that hot August day when I questioned His goodness amidst an "unplanned" pregnancy.
Adalynn was the baby that empowered me as a mom. She is the reason we chose a home birth. Which lead me to finding one of the sweetest and most caring midwives I've ever met. While I'm grateful for all of the care I've received with each baby, Adalynn's prenatal appointments were low stress, and easy going. They were educational, and equipped me with information I would need later. But I had no idea then, what I know now.
Adalynn was born in our bedroom, with ease, and intensity. Her labor and delivery combined were only 2 hours long. When I told Paco about my first contraction at 4:15, and then told him to call my mom just minutes later, he doubted and said to try and sleep some. I couldn't. Everything was hard and fast. She was posterior, so labor was really hard. But it was more peaceful than any of the others by far. I remember being tired and thirsty (I was allowed drinks I just threw up every time I drank and couldn't do that anymore!) and so drained, and Kristen (my midwife) knelt down, as petite and sweet and soft spoken as she is, and quietly said to me "you're doing so great Bri! Just keep doing what you're doing, I'm here and will help you do what you need to do".
Within about 15 more minutes, Adalynn was born.
She was perfect and calm. She was sweet and alert. And everything about her was easy. She slept easy, burped and ate easily. She was a champ at everything. From day one, Adalynn has never cried only barely fusses or squirms when she needs something. And a full year later, she still will holler for her needs and attention rather than cry and wail. If she actually does ever cry (because there have been a handful of times) I know she's been seriously hurt or bothered.
She started sleeping well from the first day, going about 4 hour intervals initially. Today, she goes to bed by 7pm, and sleeps until 9 or 10am uninterrupted. She still takes two naps most days, depending on what we have to accomplish.
She walked long before her first birthday, and seems to be a conqueror of difficult things at an early age. She wants to do and be with the older siblings always.
This past week has been an emotional roller-coaster. And Adalynn Mei, as sweet as she is, has been my best medicine. Her sweet smiles and irresistible cuddles make it easy to laugh through pain or smile through tears. She's a reminder that God knew and still knows exactly what He is doing. When my heart longs to hold the baby girl that was supposed to come home with me, and couldn't, Adalynn is there to hold and rock and sing to. Sometimes I feel as though she gets memos from the Holy Spirit to love on her momma, and she does, and I pray she's always obedient to His voice- be it now and into adulthood.
Adalynn Mei was God's gift to me in more ways than I can count, and this weekend we've been able to bookend a story of loss and pain and hardship, with ANOTHER story of faithfulness, goodness, and grace. Adalynn may never know the importance of her little life in mine, but God knew. And he graciously poured out His goodness to me again- like He has so so so many times before. He's such a good Daddy. And He gives such good gifts to His kids! I know it's Adalynn's birthday, but I really got the best of presents, as her mom.
So Happy Birthday Adalynn Mei, momma loves you more than you know!