Valentine's came and went this year for Paco and I like every other year. We don't really care for the hullabaloo concerning the cards and chocolate frenzy. Call us cynical, but we would rather do other things with our time and money than purchase cheap candies or dying flowers in hot pink and red packaging, that's been marked up to eight times its original value.
But for me, this year was different.
Many people went to the movies, to dinner, to dance. But the morning of the 14th, I got a sweet sweet word from the King of Kings, and regardless of whether it ever came or not, He has won my heart.
I don't know how many days have passed since we got Esther Jubilee's diagnosis. I don't remember the date. I can't remember the day of the week. I guess I could go looking for it, and chalk it up as a "memorial" of sorts to feel sad and full of despair in the future. But that day really marks more of a growth spurt for me. So to mourn and feel bad would be such a waste of energy.
I can tell you, the day God showed up and spoke to me about her healing. Call me crazy. But February 14th, was like a "love note" from the Master and Majestic One. I truly believe that Esther Jubilee is already healed. That she's made whole and perfect.
I had a dream that night, in which I could see her hands and feet, her face, and her complete head - perfectly round and whole.
Like a box of chocolates- except much much much better.
I won't know the facts and see manifestation of that answer until the day she arrives.
Because I also believe that God spoke to me saying I shouldn't look back. We see in the Bible where people looked back (Lot's wife, discipled as they were called) and they were either rebuked or turned to salt. I don't need to revisit the enemy's territory. Because the territory has been God's all along. My job is to press forward and take back what's been stolen.
If you've been reading at all, and this whole "God speaking" thing seems strange- don't worry. I'm not a person suffering from dementia or hearing voices- though I fully believe God can audibly speak whenever He please. It's more like nudges on the inside. Peace that supersedes what I should be anxious over. Ideas that are contrary to my natural thinking. Dreams- much like the one I had.
Maybe He's speaking to you. Maybe He's been writing you a long love letter and you've not yet recognized it's even from Him. But whether you're pregnant or not, single or not, whatever- I can tell you, He's pursuing you.
Now that some time has passed, people's curiosity has returned, and questions swarm. Everyone keeps asking when we get more news. When we hear back. What happens next.
We had the option to terminate- no kill- this baby.
We chose to allow her life to be full regardless of location, in or outside of the womb.
We saw a specialist- who could not see the extent of the diagnosis because her head was so far down. (Trust me- they tried. I was being poked and prodded like cattle).
We then had the choice of seeing the specialist continually, or to return to normal prenatal visits with our regular provider.
There's nothing they will do or attempt at this point medically. So there's no need to subject ourselves to the negative outlook of the specialist. There's also no need to revisit the images we either couldn't see, or believe to have changed. Call it denial, or ignorance- but I call it faith, knowing that what I can't see - is taking place.
So now we wait. We get to hear her heartbeat at each visit- which is now (just like any other pregnancy) every two weeks. I'm just now 29 weeks- and into my third trimester.
There's nothing else much different about this pregnancy compared to others. Miraculous included.
I feel fine. I feel good. Normally I would be whining about how my back hurts and I'm always hot and everything is heavy. But I just can't find it as big of an importance to whine about such trivial things.
Esther Jubilee moves- often- and with great force.
She's growing stronger by the minute.
Medical professionals will tell you that Anencephalic babies cannot hear or see because of the lack of brain tissue. But I can assure you, she hears quite well. I will play healing scriptures over my stomach, and she jolts all around as if being operated on without anesthesia. Don't tell me that the Word of God is void of power! It's alive, and it brings health and healing to the very narrow of our bones. She will be the proof.
People have asked if we will opt for another scan. And today, I honestly don't know. If asked this minute, I would say no. Because as I said before- I truly believe she's already been healed. And there's no need to see with a camera, what our eyes will see once she exits my body.
Continue to pray. Continue to grow your faith. Continue to share the story for the sake of Jesus. The sole purpose of our lives is to further the kingdom of God, and bring Him glory. This story will do just that. When the enemy says to "keep to yourself" because you aren't sure of the outcome just yet- you remind him that "no one whose hope is in HIM will EVER be put to shame!"
I can tell you this for certain though, that the intimacy experienced from the Love of God, is far more colorful than gray. It's full of hues we've yet to see and can only experience within. Because He is the author of love, and is love Himself. And if you're looking for a romance, a relationship, a lover- He's the one for you. And it would thrill me to tell you all about Him.