Tears are rolling down my face.
It the first time this week I've worn makeup too, which means my mascara is running all down the sides of my cheeks like black tire marks driven in anger.
I don't feel good.
I feel terrible.
My stomach hasn't felt "Settled" for about three weeks now. And I'm certain this isn't nearly the end of this thing someone cleverly named "morning sickness". But today, specifically my stomach is in knots. I spent the early hours of today puking, and typically I would've called the entire day quits after such an occurrence. Today, I continued to fight and press through.
As I lie on my bed, my stomach still turning, I'm making mental lists of the things I need Paco to do before morning in order to help me manage the other kids.
Run to publix for lunch meat.
Stock diapers and wipes at the edge of the couch.
Fill cups and bottles for easy access.
The list goes on and makes my head hurt like my stomach now. It's too much responsibility. It's too hard. And obviously too much to think about right now. I need every ounce of energy I have left to keep my insides in, and not out by way of my throat.
But none the less, I still continue to fight, to press through.
I'm not a fighter. In fact, if you know me well, you know that I don't even work out. It's exhausting. And quite frankly, I think I'm allergic. (The sweating, red face, increased heart rate were all obvious signs.)
But there is One living inside of me who continues to fight. Continues to press through.
He pressed through in the moments when my flesh was weakest and engaged in Crimson sin. He fought to bring me salvation.
He pressed through in the disastrous financial crisis we've faced through our marriage and with our home. He fought for us and made a way for the miraculous.
He pressed through when death was crouched at my door, and later wrapped in my arms, when my daughter took her last breath. He fought to give me hope and security amidst the most uncertain time of my life.
And He has proven Himself this way over, and over, and over again. Which makes me certain that He has not stopped fighting even now.
Now as I'm nauseated and limp with fatigue, He is fighting for my strength. He is pressing through and bringing me the strength from on high, that comes in the form of rest under His mighty wings.
As I anxiously await our first doctor appointment, He is fighting for a good report, though my fears are as deep as water over my head. He pressed through with His voice sure as the Sun rising, and commands health and healing and peace in the safety of His name.
And I can feel the fight being put back inside of me.
Don't count me out. Because I'm just getting warmed up.
And when the enemy tries to overcome and defeat me by whispering all that has been, I'll swing hard and fast with the truth of my Savior, to remind Him of His ultimate destiny.
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities,against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains.Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." -Ephesians 6:10-20