4/27/2015 6 Comments The end of the TunnelYou know the feeling you got when you graduated high school? Or you closed on your home? Or your plane began to descend after a long long flight? The feeling of "this is it, it's finally the end". Where emotions run high because you've waited so very long, and anticipated all the moment would have, and yet, you're given one last opportunity to look back and think, if I did it all again, would I choose differently now? That's where I am. The next time I write a blog post, I'll be holding a sweet baby girl in my hands. And I don't know if things will have turned out the way I'm hoping and praying, like so many of you. But I can see the end. At our church we've been talking through a series the last few weeks called "Getting through what you're going through". Coincidently, or rather God anonymously, it's been so great to be reminded of Truth in these final weeks of being pregnant. There's a giant "tunnel" prop on the stage, and each week our Pastor talks about being in this dark tunnel, and looking for the light at the end. And while so many people struggle to find their way amidst the dark, cold, pathway of despair- I'm nearing the end. The tunnel is running out. And the end is wide open. The terrifying part is that I can't see what around the corner of that end. No one can. Not her on this earth anyway. No doctor or nurse. No specialist or neonatologist. No pastor or counselor. No friends or family member. Not even me, the mom carrying the weight -literally- of this baby girl. But God can. He can see so clearly what lies beyond. And I'm holding onto the hope that He will be with me ask turn that corner and face my greatest fears and deepest longings as a mom. I may not know the way, but I know the one who makes the way straight. I want to take a minute to thank all of you who have stood with us. Who've prayed and fasted and agreed with our prayer of faith for Esther Jubilee. For those of you who've been given visions of her arrival, her childhood, her life purpose being fulfilled. For this of you who've lost sleep over dreams and callings to pray and press-in harder. I cannot convey my thanks to you enough. And some of you I don't even know. I've gotten emails, and texts, and comments on my blog, from people whom I've never met, telling me about how Esther Jubilee has increased their faith. How her story has inspired them. I've read testimonies of how God is working in people and doing miraculous things in other people all because of this little girl who hasn't even yet shown her sweet face. One lady emailed me to say she was praying life and healing verses for a friend with stage four, terminal cancer. Just weeks later he was given a much better, treatable diagnosis and will survive with minor treatment. God is up to something, and even if that something no longer includes me, He is still working and moving. A few of my closest girl-friends and I have been doing a casual study on the book of Esther in the Bible. (Fitting right?) One of the main points is that the name of God isn't written anywhere in that book. It's a setting and time work of where pagan practices had nearly wiped out the culture and traditions of God's people, and He wasn't even mentioned through the course of the whole story. But you're a fool if you can't read the story in its entirety, and not see God's name written all over it. That's what's happening here. Whether it looks like God has His name or not, plastered over the finality of this story, He is the author and finisher of it. The other day, I was reading about David. This scrawny kid who sat amongst sheep. He's the youngest of a lot of brothers, and in sure that meant he was "least important" and probably picked on a whole lot. But he is able to defeat the most staggering and terrifying giant of their day: Goliath. I find it interesting that he mentioned the "lion and the bear" to King Saul. He could've said that he's "really good with a sling shot". Or that "nothing compares to the torture my brothers put me through". Or "I was anointed as king, and one day will take your throne over, so watch out". He uses past experiences to remind those around him that nothing is impossible for his God. My God. We could all whine about the lion that comes to devour our "sheep". He's big and scary and muscular. He roars loud and it's terrifying. Or the bear, that could claw you down and torture you. The one that can walk on all fours, or stand on two hind legs to prove its ginormous size is much greater than you're wimpy "younger brother" self. But those very obstacles were the preparation for the great victory that would come later for David. I don't know if Esther Jubilee is my preparation, or my great victory. But I know somehow it will bring me hope knowing that ultimately the enemy will be defeated. I think back to when Paco and I walked through the valley of sin, and thought we could never recover. How McKenna was just a result of bad timing and bad decisions. But God showed His faithfulness then, and daily reminds me with her as my gift, that in place of death for my disobedience, He traded life- and a sweet girl for me. And I can't help it but call it to remembrance- that He is the same yesterday, today and forever, and will do it again. That in place of death and defeat where it seems as though none can recover- HE will bring about LIFE and trade death for a sweet baby girl....just. For. Me. So thank you. Thank you for praying. Thank you for petitioning Him, on our behalf. But don't stop. Not even once she's here. Because I never want to be found satisfied with my "level" of Jesus, be it because of a miraculous wonder or not. Even if all things turn out completely perfect and I bring my baby girl home without a trace of anencephaly, I want to be found still seeking, and still pressing, and still bargaining for more. Because He's worth more to me, than anything. Including my baby girl. Some of you have asked specifically to be informed when she's coming, so you can pray for us. While it won't be me who texts you- simply because I'll be in labor- you will get a text! We will definitely keep everyone updated and informed also. This is as much your victory as it is our own. And ultimately- it's His. But until then, press in for more. Because it's not over, until He says it's over!
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4/14/2015 2 Comments The Second HalfEven if you're alma-mater is down by a serious deficit, you continue cheering them on during the second half. In fact, some of the best games we've all watched are those when the second half is an upset and the underdog comes back to claim the victory, when all odds seemed hopeless. The second half of the movie is always the best part too. I can remember watching the newer released "Pearl Harbor" movie, with Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett. While most girls my age at the time were swooning over Hartnett, I've always been an Affleck fan, and turned the movie off after he "died" in the first half. About three weeks later, a friend was complaining about how "terrible" the movie was because Kate Beckinsale ended up with Affleck instead. I couldn't believe my ears because I had cut the film short due to disappointment. (All Affleck fans can agree, the second half was the best part of the movie!) The second half of a marriage is always better, given that the first few years you're just learning to live with someone else just as selfish as you are, and you don't know how to communicate or coexist with another human without tearing them down. Second halves are where dreams are made, victories are achieved, and the unimaginable is made possible. Today, was a second half of sorts for Esther Jubilee. I met with one of the most awesome midwives, I'm pretty sure, practicing this side of the Mississippi River. (Kristin will always be my favorite home birth midwife, but for a hospital working midwife this lady was baller!) her name was Barbara, and she insisted to me that nothing is ever as dramatic as hospitals seem to make it. That labs and needles aren't necessary for everyone. That intervention is over rated and over used. That everyone else's opinion the day of delivery doesn't matter except for mine. That modern delivery practices are more hype than they need to be, and that women's bodies and the whole baby-box tucked inside of every one of them, is capable of delivering babies on its own. Needless to say, she agrees with and wishes for all the things we want for Esther. She even said despite what other doctors have told us that "these babies can surprise you, and live for quite some time!" So we are praying Mrs. Barbara is the Midwife who helps to deliver Esther Jubilee! And you can too! Today was the last of the "tests" as far as the pregnancy goes. Pray that the result is negative. (Which sounds bad, but a negative culture is a positive answer!) so long as the test comes back negative, we can proceed with no IV as planned- just like all the other kids! This past week has been a "second half" as well. Paco has been telling me how he is "trusting God" with every detail of Esther's life and arrival. (Which is a big deal because he hasn't shared much of how he's handling all of this!) I experienced the first of what will probably be many, Braxton hicks this past weekend. It reminded me of where my faith stands, because with each one, I was reminded how fragile life is, and how Esther's life is completely out of my hands, and in God's hands! And as a mom, that's the only other set of hands that doesn't leave me completely terrified. Even on my time-hop app, I'm being reminded of God's faithfulness. This time last year, our church was amidst a series called "hunt for hope" in which our Pastor taught on Hope amidst difficult seasons. I've been reminded of such truths each morning when I get the notification to check the app, with scripture from the Word, that not only builds my faith, but assures me that God had Esther Jubilee's life in motion and planned with purpose long before she was ever conceived! I can't tell you how excited I am for her arrival! I've had people telling me how excited they are, but I can assure you, that as her mom, and the one who has been blessed to know her before all of you, that I am beyond excited! God has some serious plans for this girl. I don't know exactly what they include, but I know they are for a hope, and a future, and for the process of building others' faith, and making Jesus famous! Since everyone continues to ask what to pray for, I am continuing to give specifics to those requests! God gives good things to His kids, and He is detail oriented. So we are praying specifically for a few things, so I thought I would update you all, who are praying with us and for us: We are believing that Barbara will be the midwife available to deliver Esther. I know it's a superficial request- but God can work it out! We are believing for the Group B strep test result to be "negative". We are believing for Esther to come on her own without induction. We are believing for convenience in the drive to Gulf Coast Hospital (as its nearly 40 minutes away from our home). That traffic is minimal, and lights are green (since I'll be in the middle of labor while we drive there!) We are believing for favor at the hospital. We are believing for the Glory of God to go forth in SW Florida and our community specifically, but to all the earth, as her story is shared and that credit is given to the Author of her Life: Jesus Christ the living, saving, healing, redeeming Savior of the World. You know, I have scripture verses plastered all over my house. They build my faith and remind me to speak the work out loud. And one that I keep near the door of our master bedroom is from Zachariah 4:6. It says "‘Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,’ Says the LORD". And I have known that verse for a while now. But interestingly enough, since I don't spend a lot of time in my doorway, I kind of glance at it, and will say the verse out loud as I pass the posted scripture. This past week I slowed down, and continued to read it, even though I "know" it. The second half is the best part. And we often forget it. I know I have. The second part says "Who are you, O great mountain? Before Zerubbabel you shall become a plain!" Because you see, the mountain of adversity, no matter how great, WILL BE leveled to nothing. To flat plain. Flat road. That is the same as any other. You won't loose your footing, you wont trip up on "uneven" pavement. There isn't a curb or a dip or a pothole or an incline- it's a PLAIN. it's just PLAIN in front of you. And God WILL handle it. Just like He will make everything work out for Esther. We are praying for you, as you pray for us, that God would bless your families and keep you. That He would give you faith to move mountains, and peace amidst uncertainty. That He guards your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus, and that you are bombarded by His Holy Spirit, and lead into all truth, as you go about your daily living and working and eating and sleeping and relationships! And we are praying the the mountains you are facing, are made PLAIN in front of you, as His word says! God is so very good. And so very faithful. And we cannot wait to share the "second half" of Esther Jubilee's story with all of you! 4/4/2015 3 Comments 20/20Hindsight is always 20/20. It doesn't matter if you've witnessed, been told about, or experienced life seasons first hand, looking back is always a clearer picture. This week I've been challenged, knowing this Baby, Esther Jubilee, is coming soon. As a first time mom, I remember being a little freaked out about labor and delivery. The second time, I wasn't at all. I had done it before and felt like I had all the knowledge needed to get me through it. By the third time, I was simply exhausted at the idea, but not scared. Even when Wes was overdue, I pleaded with my midwife to wait and let me go into labor spontaneously, for the sake of me. Because then I would know what to expect, and how to handle it. With Adalynn's delivery- even though "home" delivery was new, it was still the same process as before- and maybe because I hadn't had as much as a hiccup of difficulty with the others, I was so calm about her arrival away from the hospital. At the beginning of this pregnancy, I refused all kinds of unnecessary pokes and prods- trusting full well that everything was just fine with me and the baby. I never once considered anything other than "normal and easy". It wouldn't have mattered if I had all the tests in the world initially- nothing could have changed or helped Esther's outcome. Just like nothing can change the outcome of her life now: not even a diagnosis of death. And maybe it's selfish, but now, as I update this blog, and confide in those of you who've been faithful to pray for Esther Jubilee's healing, I'm asking for your prayers for me. I believe full well that Esther has already been made whole. As I've blogged before, to just thank God for His healing power that has already taken place. I'm asking for prayers for me, and for the process of labor and delivery that will take place any day now. With most babies, you would want to reach at least 40 weeks, and not be concerned with missing your due date. While I believe that Esther has been made whole, the doctors on the other hand will need to see to believe. The idea that she comes later than anticipated, will immediately call for action and induction on the doctors end. Any sign of distress- even if it's considered a normal "delay" or "set back" in regular conditions during labor, will warrant intervention. Esther Jubilee and I need your prayers for a quick, easy delivery without ANY hang ups. Without any delays. Any stalls of contractions. Any rise in heart rate, blood pressure, sugar levels, or anxiety could lead to the doctors wanting to either operate on me, or end Esther's life to save mine. Even though these things could all be normal or average in regular pregnancies, the medical staff will see any obstacle as a result of her diagnosis. Every day after her due date of May 5th, will be because "her lack of brain tissue or skull isn't producing enough pressure or chemical release to make the body contract" on its own. That's why it's critical that our prayers switch from "God please heal this baby" to "God deliver this baby quickly and easily without delay or set back". I sat awake the other night thinking of all the scenarios and what we would do in each case. And then the Holy Spirit, tried and true, began to give me His reassurance of what He has always done before. He has given me the ability to labor at home and make it to wherever I plan to deliver safely. He has given me favor with hospital staff. He has ensured my worst fears are minimally exposed and or manifested. (I've thankfully never needed intervention or even as much as an IV during childbirth because of my terrible fear of needles!) He has allowed me to leave the hospital early. He has allowed for me to never need stitches or medication for anything post partum or out of the ordinary. And He's done all of this for my faith now. It's all clear looking back. Even when we can't understand why He allows or why He teaches us a lesson, He is always making us into something, to be able to make it through something else later. This weekend, as most people celebrate the holiday- be it with the easter bunny or death on a cross- remember that He endured for you, for me, for Esther. He became lowly so that I could become lofty. He became nothing to make you into something. He became man, so that we could one day live eternally with God. And that is amazing. Looking back, it probably made perfect sense to His disciples and greatest friends. But the moment it was happening I'm sure it was a test of their faith. The darkness had covered not only the earth, but their hope and belief in what was to come. Would what He said, actually be true? And yet all the while He had been preparing them for that moment. He said the water would be still- and it obeyed Him and was. He said God would provide- and He did and fed the masses. He said he would rise again on the third day- and by now they certainly would know that what He said would be true. Maybe He's making you into something too. Maybe what you're walking through and experiencing now is just preparing you for the season that is coming. I can't even imagine all He is preparing Esther for! He clearly has ginormous plans for her! Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your support. And thank Him for all He allows!! So I ask specifically, for prayers regarding me and Esther Jubilee in regards to: Her arrival on or before May 5th.
A speedy delivery with no delays. No complications or out of the ordinary set backs during labor. Easy progression and dilation. Easy delivery and recovery. No additional post-partum or hemorrhage for me. Complete fertile ground of the hearts of every medical professional who witnesses the miraculous that day! Happy easter! And more than that- Happy Resurrection Day! He is Alive!!! |
AuthorBri is the mom to four little people, the wife to a gentle giant, and a lover of Jesus. She's figuring out the best ways to parent by trial and error, and sharing her struggles, successes, and stories with you! Archives
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