1/29/2015 5 Comments All my Pink ShirtsFolding laundry, just like I've done yesterday, and the day before that, for years now. Clothes fill our loads of all sizes now. Every load, I find one or two things that are too small and the kids have outgrown. Even if they wore it last week, or two days ago, they're still growing and growing out of clothes. Today while folding I picked up a bright pink shirt. The one I wore to the doctor the day they diagnosed our baby. It's funny how details of what was said, who the doctor was, what time it was, all fade into the background. I couldn't tell you. But I remember the shirt. It's not even a favorite shirt. It's just a regular t-shirt with a stone-washed look to it, from target, that happened to be clean the morning of the appointment. God knew which shirt I would be wearing. He also knows all the details of that day, even though I've forgotten the small ones. He knows what the details of today and tomorrow will be too. But that shirt will probably forever be a marker in my life, to remember the day by. Since negative memories fade- usually slower than the good ones- I need markers in my life that will remind me of the promise. In fact, God instructs His people to create such "memorials" out of whatever is present at the moment, at different times throughout the Bible. He tells them to make these markers to remember His faithfulness by. Because He knows, that in the humdrum of life- we as people we all too soon forget. Of course we all sit and wait for the miracle of this baby being healed. But God is so much bigger and so much better than just giving us that. His word tells us (in summary) that if parents, here in this fallen world, know how to give awesome gifts to their kids when asked, how much better is God in Heaven, and the gifts He gives. So I thought I would start charting and writing and marking the things He is already doing. So that when we all look back- specifically when I look back- I won't forget all of His goodness. It's easy to get caught up in the manifestation of a physical miracle because we can see it with our eyes. But the Bible talks about the danger of chasing such signs and wonders. While I'm believing for it, I don't ever want to be the girl that searched only for the amazing physical miraculous, and missed all the victories present - while in the process. So here we go! My "pink shirts" of victory: I haven't been able to talk about it until this week, because of legalities and such, and amidst the drama of our present circumstances, I had almost forgotten. This week Paco, my husband, started a new job. Without getting into all the details, I can share that it was a miracle in the timing and way that he was hired. A miracle and blessing in the entire process. He is now working at the State Attorney's Office, currently in data entry, but with the intent to be moved into the Victims advocate position in a few months. He not only received an increase in pay, but also will have full medical coverage, vacation days, and a pension. These things seem trivial now, but in a few years when the time will be too short to do anything with, it will matter. It's also business hours and bank holidays. Which means for me, as a stay at home mom- the long nights of putting babies to sleep alone, the tireless energy spent bending down to bathe everyone alone, the late nights and early mornings just to see Paco alone- will be no more! While Paco was extremely heartbroken to leave his CFA family, he is still in relationship with and will still see them, and made the decision knowing that the opportunity was simply too miraculous to pass up. He started this past Monday, and so far enjoys the hours and his spiffy badge that allows him to bypass security upon entering! My eyes have been opened wide. I know that sounds a little cliche, but it's true. Before the events of last week, I would daydream about cuisine, plan organizational systems for closets, do a "target-run" for leisure. Those things are not bad. And I will probably enjoy them all the same still. But I've realized that our silly #firstworldproblems pale in comparison to what's really important. There's no fine-food that could satisfy me. There is no dream decor plan that could bring me peace. There is no luxurious alone-time to comfort me now. And while I knew and believed that before, I have a new perspective on life. Traffic doesn't seem so terrible anymore. Waiting in line at the store isn't so bothersome. A messed up fast-food order is nothing to gripe about. Burnt toast and spilled milk will happen. And it will be just fine. People now, I'm acutely aware, spend majority of their time complaining. Americans in general whine about everything. It's like the "things to talk about". We can whine about the weather. We can gripe about gas prices. We can stir about stupid nothings all day, and feel as though we are "creating conversation". But can I tell you that you and I have so very much to be grateful for? There is nothing too big or too small for Jesus. Don't get me wrong. But amidst the current season we are walking in, life doesn't seem so bad, and the terrors we seem to face, are nothing but shadows in comparison to the bright and shining face of the Son. Don't ever think for a moment that your current situation is not important to the Most High. But don't loose sight of Him, in light of the problems that seem to exalt themselves so easily in our day to days. I've become more grateful, more thankful, and less cynical to the stresses of the world. Knowing that this life is only a vapor. There's so much more to be concerned with, and the enemy will use crappy customer service, or stubbed toes to steal your focus and gratitude. Don't give him the pleasure. Children have faith that can move mountains. I don't care if they know the truth or not, they believe what's told to them. Which is exactly why Jesus tells us that the kingdom of heaven will be liken to them. My kids don't cry and become emotional at the current situations. We've divulged some of the information while sparring the graphic details. They don't wince at trouble or the doctors negativity. They simply believe. McKenna and Teaghan won't let me forget to pray each and every day for their baby. They lay hands on my belly and call forth things that aren't - as though they already are- and that my friends is the biblical definition of Hope. Whatever the outcome, I know that my kids will be stronger in their faith. This will be a mile-marker for their spiritual growth. To one day look back and say "I know God is real. I know He is the great and mighty healer, because He bent down and heard our cries for help, and healed our sister!" I know because I find myself doing that same thing now. I keep pulling up the roll-a-dex of "miracles" in my head from times through my life, when God intervened and brought me through to the other side. Other "pink shirts" of my past. And I know that if He did it then, He certainly can and will do it now. Times like when He "healed" our copy machine. Times like when He healed my dad's leg. Times like how He healed my brother's ears. Times like when He started the car that wasn't working. Times like when He changed my plans for school and college and lead me in a completely different direction, that now seems like a no-brainer. Times when He brought me through exams and homework and assignments I couldn't understand, and scholarships hung in the balance. Times like when He provided the money or the job or the resources for Paco and I in our first year of marriage, after moving to Florida, and Paco could not find a job. God has proven Himself faithful throughout His word, and throughout my life...and I'm watching the faith unfold in my kids' lives now. He's showing me my strengths and my weaknesses. You think you know yourself, but you really don't have a clue! It's funny how pressure can bring out the best and worst in me- or any of us. The word talks about fires that refine us- and my friend I am sitting in the fire! It's hot, and it's smokey, it's hard to see and hard to breathe. But I'm not alone. There's another man in the fire with me, and His name is Jehovah-Nissi- the God who reigns in victory! And we will emerge on the other side without a burn, without even the trace smell of smoke! I find myself able to carry my emotions and my failing flesh through the day. I find I can manage to get decent sleep. But like a giant ship in the sea, I can hold the mast through the waves, so long as the wind doesn't blow. When arguments with my husband churn up, I loose it. When the kids disobey time and time again, I loose it. When the tv doesn't work or I step on a sharp toy, or the dryer doesn't dry fast enough- I loose it. And in those moments I fall to my knees- and lean on the Rock that is higher than I. When my emotions swirl like a hurricane, worship is my retreat. I can easily hang my head and let the tears flow. But I choose to sing a song. And while the song is difficult to start, and the words aren't clear, and the pitch isn't quite right through the sobs, my flesh begins to align itself with the Truth of what He says over me- and the melody becomes stronger. Emotions subside and feelings feel less- as I sit with Him. In His presence is fullness of Joy- and I know it full well! Interestingly enough, an old friend confirmed this truth in my life. And no matter how many truths we think we have "under our belt", receive the words and encouragement from believers around you. Because it will be the very thing that sustains you when you can't seem to hear Him through it all. This is only the beginning. And I can't wait to read all the miraculous things He does and continues to do through this process. If you have a "miraculous" miracle that Gods done for you through our process- a "pink shirt" story- maybe He's increased your faith. Maybe He's given you a new perspective. Maybe He's filled you with a new fruit of the spirit like love or gentleness you never knew you had- share it. I want to hear all the victories through Christ. And the enemy doesn't. When you think sharing isn't worth it- just remember that we overcome through His blood and the words of our testimonies. Whether you type or speak or whatever- your testimony will defeat darkness and push back the enemy's territory! Join me in the faith fight- and share the miracles He has done!!! It will be like a giant pink-shirt army, to which the devil runs in fear!
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1/27/2015 3 Comments Poker FaceI've seen more emotion from professional poker players than we saw from the doctor we saw today. I'm not mad or offended. But definitely aware of the harsh realities many people without Hope have to endure. We went in for our second "level two" scan for "high risk" pregnancies, today with a specialist. Up until this point, everyone (medically and personally) has been super supportive and super sensitive. Almost too sensitive to where my crass abrasive personality can't reciprocate. The long drawn out hugs and sobs of sympathy are foreign to me. This doctor- a man - doesn't deliver babies. He doesn't see the end. He sees text books and reports. He sees facts, figures, numbers, and statistics. He sees the worst of the worst and daily gives people bad, worse, worst news over and over again. He sees the lawsuits - from people who have false hope on medical advice, crumble and come knocking at his door for the repercussions. I can't imagine his heart being soft and open, or else he couldn't have his career doing what he does. But he said everything with such cynical pride it was disturbing. At one point, after making it clear that we wouldn't be "terminating" the pregnancy... ie killing our baby....and that we knew the condition is "not compatible with life" (like all the other medical personnel keep quoting, as if it's a correct response on a multiple choice exam) - he said the words your looking for are it's not compatible with long term survival". And he's right. Anencephaly isn't associated with long term anything. But we choose to believe differently. I'm sure the whole office thought we were in complete denial of reality. My mom, sister-in-law, and I giggled, and were exploding our faith-claims all over that visit. Everyone kept saying, after reading my chart, "do you know why you're here?" As if I had no idea. But really, they have no idea. I told Mom and Queen, that the reason we were there, was to show off Jesus's power, and watch all these people get saved. I wanted to pose the question back at all of them- "no, do YOU know why I'm here?" Because it's bigger than this crummy diagnosis. Today, after scanning and looking and measuring and processing results, they haven't confirmed or denied anything. The baby had her head so far down in my stomach that they weren't able to pick up a picture or enough information to even describe what the severity of her condition is. We had plenty of questions like, "does she have a clef palette?" "Are her facial features present?" "Can we show her to our other kids when delivery comes?" The answer from the doctor was that all he could see were "squiggles and lines on a screen. Nothing is present." But the tech moments before measured and showed us her perfect spine. Her perfect heart. Her perfect legs and arms. Her perfect kidneys and bladder and organs. Everything seen on the screen was clear and accounted for with detailed accuracy. I can't wait to walk through this with my miracle, and show that doctor my baby girl, and say "do you see all the squiggles and lines? They're so perfect and make up a perfect baby!" For people without Hope, I can't imagine listening to their explanations of what's happening. I can't imagine leaving and feeling defeated and that life still must go on. I can't imagine the pain and resentment, guilt and shame surrounding them and their choices. I felt the pressure of shame and guilt as he described how home -birth was "insanity". And the absence of prenatal vitamins over healthy diet were "choices" that people "shouldn't" make. But though I'm pressed, I'm not crushed. Because I wasn't about to let the enemy steal any more of my faith or life than he has. I've fought the enemy before on guilt and shame, and know where my power lies: in the Resurrecting blood of Jesus that set me free from guilt and shame long ago! The doctor was just doing his job. And like Jesus on the cross, I walked out saying "Father, forgive him- cause he really has no clue what he's doing to people". The good news is I don't ever have to go back. I can continue regular appointments with my regular doctor and watch the progress from there. The good news is that while we don't know if there's progress, the fight isn't over. It's not any worse than last week. The good news is, her head was tucked so far down inside that they weren't able to confirm or deny the presence of her brain. The good news is there's still plenty of time for God to work and shape her perfect head and all of her parts to completion. And we can choose a regular scan, over the "high risk scan" accompanied by crappy attitudes. The good news is that ten or so other people got to see and read our chart and scan- which means ten more people will know of the miracle that takes place at the end. You may see today as a waste. That time and resources and faith were a loss. But it isn't yet over. God is already doing something new! Can't you see it? And all the while, I won't be wearing a poker face to hide my emotions or my joy- because it's real and authentic and contagious... Because it's from the One who gives joy....the real kind...that's unspeakable! I can contain my laughter and excitement or smile, because I've upping the anty and putting all my chips in. But regardless, I know the Dealer of the cards, an I know the Hand I'm holding....and I can't lose! I've had just over three days to process. On Wednesday at around noon we were given the worst news of. My. Life. All the while, her heart is still beating. She is still moving. She is still very much alive. I think people expect me to be upset and angry and sad. And while I can, and have, and will again at times be, I've learned with a steep curve, that to remain in my own strength is exhausting, taxing, and harmful. I can sit and think of all the scenarios and possibilities that could play out over the course of the next few days, weeks, months, but then I am again tormented by facts and statistics, instead of comforted by Peace and Eternal Assurance. I have been told, and practiced renewing my mind with the washing of the word before- but never have I physically needed it as much as I do now. I used to be able to get a verse or devotional read in the morning, and slowly chew through it all day long. I find my mind and soul much more liken to a wood chipper now. Buzzing through the bits and fragments of promises in mere seconds, with motor and gears still churning, and looking for more to consume. And I can feed it with thoughts of my own, like steel bars that jam and breakdown the grinding process, or I can fill it with rich, dry, oak- giving it more of what is needed to produce something of value. What's the value of wood chips? Well, I guess I could start a garden. But I usually kill plants. Thankfully it's only a metaphor, and God is the gardener. I don't have oodles of time to "loose it" and I don't want that time. With four other small kids, I am constantly bombarded by the needs of others, and It keeps me going. I continue to surround myself with friends and people who love me and love God. I can't and won't allow people with carnal, stinking thinking to surround and flood my mind with anything other than wholesome. Acts 17:24-30 sums up what I'm holding onto for today- at least this morning. And when I tell people, saved or not, they tend to glorify the parts about God being near and with me. And I'm not diminishing that reality. In the last three days, I've known nothing else. He is near to the broken and hurting and He has carried me when I could not carry myself. He carried me out of the doctor's office that day. And he's carried me to sleep and to faith rising. But there's so much more promise to read. People keep praying and saying that " if it's Gods will" - then He can heal my baby. I'm not a hyper-optimist. In fact, if you know me, I am quite the critical cynic. But I know that I know that it's not Gods plan, will, want, or desire for anyone- including an innocent baby- to die. Even the world can quote John 3:16.....that NONE should perish. People keep saying "sorry for your loss" or "during this time of loss". But we haven't yet lost. And we don't plan on loosing. Last week, before everything "changed", and life was " as usual", we sat down to play a board game with the older girls. Each turn, the playing pieces crept closer and closer to the finish line. Some closer than others. The game came to an end, and McKenna and I had lost, while Paco and Teaghan won. McKenna and I didn't plan on loosing. We answered every question, performed every request, made our best educated guess when we didn't know for sure. And when Paco and Teaghan's game piece came closer to the end than ours, and loss seemed inevitable, we didn't quit playing, we didn't quit trying, we didn't stop hoping we could pull of a win- even when the odds were not so "ever in our favor". Why would I do that in a silly, trivial, meaningless board game- but not in the case of a life? While it certainly isn't a game- I am staring death in the face, as we each make our move. And the pieces may move closer and closer to the end, and at times we may be closer to loosing than ever before. In fact, we may lose. It's part of the deal. We all will lose our lives one day- and no one can do anything about it. But we will continue to fight for a win. We will continue to answer the best we can. We will perform what is asked and make our best educated guesses when we aren't sure, with education and prayer. But we will not forfeit in the midst of adversity. You can think we are crazy, but if nothing else, our family will strengthen our faith through this. Our kids each morning are laying hands on my belly and praying for God to heal their new baby girl. It's hard to doubt the faith of a 4 and 5 year old when they say things like "God you healed me when I had a boo boo before, so you can heal our baby and her boo boo and let her live with us". We are believing that God will astound the medical professionals with results that "don't happen". Not so we can live longer with our baby, but so that God can get the glory. The Bible is full of stories where God does the miraculous, and He hasn't changed. He raised a girl from the dead. He made the blind to see. And the lame to walk. He parted seas and dried up others. He made water spring up out of desserts. He made fire appear in the sky. He turned water to blood and wine and back again. He spoke through donkeys and bushes and wrote on the wall for people to take notice. He cleansed you and I from our sin- which is such a bigger miracle than something physical. Why should I live this out any differently? I keep hearing in my spirit and standing on the truth that says when men see the outcome- they will know He is God. All the stories we see where God does the miraculous, are followed by people- be it one or nations- who say "surely your God is the God of Heaven." "Your God is the real deal." And people turn and believe. Start telling our story to the people who don't know Jesus. Start telling your relatives who say He isn't real. Start telling your co-workers and your boss and your employees the odds stacked against us and how crazy we are to think something can come from nothing. But then you tell them about how we are standing on NOTHING but the word. Nothing but the Cross. Nothing but the truth of who GOD is- not a doctor or ourselves but the miraculous, working, manifesting, power of the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. The God who delivered the Israelites from bondage and the wilderness. The God who sent His son to die for all of us. The God who lives inside of us as believers-Will be the God who miraculously heals my baby. Call me crazy. Say it can't be done. I don't care. The world will enamor me with the odds. And the doctors will continue to report the negative. And the enemy will scream the lie into my ears in the silence of the day to day. But I'm believing. And even if it means I'm going alone- I'm going. We can sing the songs and shout the words and "Amen" to the preaching about who God is- but when the time comes to stand and believe and to walk out what we profess with our mouths, people start to get "realistic" and people get "reasonable". Do you not think that I don't know what the odds are? I've googled anencephaly more times in the last 72 hours than most people have taken in air. I know what's stacked against me. I can see the scale toppling in the direction that is not in my favor. But I can see the light that is coming for the heart that holds on. I see that our God is greater, and stronger, and higher than any other. That He is healer, awesome in power, and for us. I see that He is doing a new thing- at least in me- and I hope you can too. I'm believing the report of The Lord. I'm believing that He is the conqueror over sin and DEATH. That He who made dry, old, dessert bones to rise up and grow muscle and tissue and flesh and skin- and made an army- and can do it again. The God that formed dust into man can make a skull and brain for my baby. And I won't say it's over- until God says it's over. Today my baby is alive. Today, she is moving and living and having a being. Today she is safe. And warm. And she will be until God moves her from my care- to His. Please pray. Pray that on Tuesday morning at 10:00am, the level 2 scan, is abruptly stopped because they find nothing. Pray that the tech calls the doctor in, and all the other doctors, and specialists and neurosurgeons into the room to see the miracle. To try and explain the miracle. And then pray that when I say that "it's because my God healed her" and because of the prayers of so many people like you- that they all bow their hearts to the revelation of the gospel. Pray that at every step, every test, every meeting, every result would be progressive and towards the glory of God. Let your faith rise. Because mine is soaring. And we only need that of a mustard seed. 1/22/2015 7 Comments Cherry TomatoesAbout an hour before dinner, Teaghan was eye-ing the plump red cherry tomatoes from the counter top. In fact, she had asked to eat them, but seeing as how they were for dinner, she was told to wait. In regular Teaghan-the-Diva fashion, she began to pout: bottom lip out, arms crossed in front of her, feet stomping, eyes heavy, and heart whining. After telling her to "quit pouting", I noticed about 10 minutes later she was still sulking. Over a few cherry tomatoes. "Teaghan" I said, "we aren't going to whine over a few tomatoes. There are plenty of other things, far worse, to be sad about, but we aren't going to whine in this house." Maybe I was giving myself the pep-talk. Maybe I was reminding my own flesh how to respond to crappy situations in life. See, hours earlier, we sat in the doctors office, for a routine ultra-sound. The heartbeat was fine, and the baby's hands moved across the screen. But this time, the tech abruptly stopped and called for a doctor. Moments later, we were being told about a condition called Anencephaly. Where the neural tube, during the first few days of life after conception, develops poorly. The baby continues to grow, without developing a brain or skull. I feel like I'm supposed to say I cried when they told us. But the ultrasound tech cried harder than I did. I wish I could tell you God had prepared me and shown me the details before we walked in the office. But He didn't. But He did provide the words I would need to hold onto. Just days earlier, I was encouraging our congregation with the truth of Isaiah 43. Telling them not to be afraid, because God is with them. How He is with them amidst the fire and walking with them through the storm. How He gives nations for them, because of His incomprehensible love for them. Little did I know that I would need those very truths to survive the afternoon. I wish I could tell you that I've been alright with all of this. The truth is I've sobbed my eyes out. The truth is that my head hurts from trying to answer all of my own questions. The truth is that our baby won't survive outside of the womb. The truth is that it hurts deeply and is immeasurably sad to think of an innocent baby who has and will do no wrong, being in such a condition. The truth is I'm terrified at what comes next. The truth is that everyday will be a pause and re-evaluation of what to do next. But the truth is that God is with me. The truth is that He is our strength. The truth is that He has called this baby by name and has redeemed her. (Yes, it's a girl.) The truth is that we are walking through deep- oh so deep- waters, but He is there, and the trouble will not overwhelm us. The truth is though we are walking through fire, we will not be burned. The truth is that though we are surrounded by hardships, they will not hurt us. To tell you I'm angry and mad would be a lie. Through all of the horrific news and information, no one person is to blame. Please, oh please, don't tell me you're " sorry" for us. You didn't cause any of the hurt. I know you're searching for words to try and say that could ease the pain, but sorry is not the word. Instead, tell me you're praying for us. Instead, tell me you're here for us. Instead, tell me You're believing for a miracle. We still have a few appointments left to gather information and make our decisions. And we will fight the good fight of faith until the end. We believe that God is the great physician. That no doctor on this earth can give a final report. That nothing is impossible for God, as the hands that knit this baby together from the beginning. We aren't trying to be unrealistic either. We understand that sometimes life is hard, and that's a bridge we will cross when we come to it. We are believing for a miracle until it is finished. No scan or report can determine who holds the keys to life and the death and the grave. Please don't tell me that God had a "plan" for this. God's plan is for life- abundant life. It is the enemy who is roaring around like a lion trying to steal, kill, and destroy. And while he may have his moment, he will not also have our faith. This baby may not "live" long here on this earth. But she will experience life more abundantly than you or I, soon. She will have eternal rest and peace and never experience a void of the presence of Jesus. The hardest part through all of this, has been explanation. We were made to live and move and have our being. And in a fallen world, death and fatal circumstance are difficult to understand. I don't have all of the questions answered. I wish I had a manual to reference every time one of them came up: what will this baby look like? How long will she live after birth? Do we induce delivery now and end the inevitable? How do we tell our other kids? What do we tell other people? How do you explain death to a people created to be immortal? I find myself sinking into the abyss of flooding questions often. And I find the only way to come up for air is to sit in His presence. I don't mean that in a hyper-spiritual way either. But literally, when I cannot think straight and cannot bear the weight of the diagnosis any more, I have to run into the arms that carried all of my sin, shame, and death on a cross. He's the only one capable of carrying such a load. And I have to allow Him to carry me through, or I won't make it to the end. I cry less than I expect. And then when it's quiet and lonely I cry more than I imagine. But I find myself sitting and thinking of Teaghan and those tomatoes, when it gets so very hard. There's too much to be grateful for. Too much to be thankful for. Too much He's already done for us- that I can't imagine whining about this. I can't fold my hands across my chest- I must lift them up to the Maker and Creator of Life. I can't stomp in anger and frustration, only in joy and triumph to dance on injustice. I can't furrow my eyes downward- I have to look up into the face of Jesus where peace and hope are found. I can't whine and cry and pout about a crummy diagnosis- I have to shout out in praise that He is good! And He is strong. And He is with me. And He will not fail. And He has called me and this baby His own. And He has plans for good and not for harm. And He is making a way where there seems to be no way. And He is fighting for us. And on our side. I cannot and will not allow the enemy a single drop of sorrow - to add to his collection of what he's taken from me. Does that mean I don't get sad? Wrong. It's immeasurably sad. It's heartbreaking. But I serve the God who is the mender of the hurting and He binds up the broken-hearted. Does it mean I don't get angry? Wrong again. Sometimes tears turn to rage. But I war not against flesh and blood- but against principalities of darkness. And I must fight to bring down everything that tries to exalt itself above the Name of Jesus. Does it mean I have the answers? Ha. That's almost laughable. All the studies and research in the world would never be enough. And yet the God who answers prayer is at my beck and call and is waiting to deliver me. He is a strong and mighty tower- to whom I run- and am safe! Does it mean I don't loose sleep? I'm up at 2:39am blogging. You tell me. But I know that The Lord gives sleep to those whom He loves. And that when I lie down, my sleep will be sweet. And that He is the author of peace, and I can give Him my worries and fears in exchange for rest. So now what? Again, every day will be a re-evaluation. We simply don't know. But we are walking by faith and not by sight. We would ask for your faith and prayers. If you have a horror story or a glim fact or a waivering doubt- keep it to yourself. I have enough doubt to keep at bay for myself. If you want more faith, start listening to the word. faith comes by hearing the Word. Start reading it out loud. Memorize it. Get it in your heart. If not for me then for you. But stir yourself up. Pray in your prayer language. In your closet. In your car. In the bathroom. Pray without stopping for a miracle. And watch what God does. His miracle might be forming a brain from nothing. After all, He made man from dust and woman from a rib. He can do it. But the miracle may also be that we are able to live life here on this earth, without our heads hung low and in anguish over loss. Both of which would be miraculous. Lastly, because like I said, explanation is the most difficult, I want to divulge some of the medical facts to you reading- because people and their curiosity tend to be one of the most painful parts of this process. And rather than having to re-live the facts over and over each time someone asks, I'll just write them here once: Anencephaly affects 1 in about 1000 births. It can have varying degrees of severity, most of which are fatal. The baby is alive and moving and has a heartbeat, because of my body doing the involuntary functioning for her. Once outside of the womb, the portion of the brain responsible for carrying out involuntary processes, is missing, and survival is at most a few hours to a few days. We are getting a second opinion at a specialists office. We want certainty before we make any further decisions. We also believe in life at conception, and want to give this baby the best life possible- be it in or out of the womb. Anencephaly is a neural tube defect that occurs for unknown reasons around the 26th day of life. No one could have known, and no one is responsible for the diagnosis. It is just a diagnosis. And doctors have been wrong. We are not set on a "false hope". But are preparing for the worst while hoping for the best. As sad as we are, we probably will not attempt to have more biological children. The risk of complications like this in another pregnancy, is slim. We aren't done for the sake of fear. We are done because we were done long ago, and the physical toll of pregnancy on my body is long and hard. If we want more children later, we will adopt. We will need lots of prayer. We are walking day by day, moment by moment. Not only is it a difficult situation, but we have four other small children to care for. Please be petitioning on our behalf over the course of the next few weeks and months. Your prayers really are the most valuable. "Grander earth has quaked before Moved by the sound of His voice And seas that are shaken and stirred Can be calmed and broken for my regard Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You. Through it all, through it all it is well. Through it all, through it all my eyes are on You, and it is well, with me. Far be it from me to not believe Even when my eyes can't see That this mountain that's in front of me Can be thrown into the midst of the sea Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You. Through it all, through it all it is well. Through it all, through it all my eyes are on You, and it is well, with me. Let go, my soul, and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name. Let go, my soul, and trust in Him, the waves and wind still know His name. The waves and wind still know His name. It is well with my soul. It is well with my soul. It is well with my soul. It is well, it is well with my soul. Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You. Through it all, through it all it is well. Through it all, through it all my eyes are on You, and it is well, with me." (It is well, Kristine DiMarco, Bethel Music) |
AuthorBri is the mom to four little people, the wife to a gentle giant, and a lover of Jesus. She's figuring out the best ways to parent by trial and error, and sharing her struggles, successes, and stories with you! Archives
June 2018
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